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The story of Oleg Nikolaev
In now the remote 1989 my life quite unexpectedly acquired the sense: the book came into my hands and answered all the questions of my being – what I came to this Earth for, how this beautiful and mysterious Universe is established, what the purpose of evolution is, how to gain knowledge, assertiveness, calmness, light and strength. All this got embodied to me in several words: Divine, yoga, spirituality, perfection, evolution.
The stages of yoga development, the methods of working with own consciousness were described in the book, and I rushed into it. But after euphoria of the first months it became quite clear that everything is not so simple and cloudless as I’d like: those key regulations in yoga (for me) as dedication, constant remembering of Divine, maintaining the consciousness balanced did not want to become grafted.
The years passed. Something changed in me, but it was at such a microscopical level that it could hardly be called a forward motion. For example the growth of control over myself manifested itself only in more seldom revealing of those or other emotions in similar circumstances, or in their lower intensity. Anyway, control is full possession of one’s feelings and their manifestations; besides we ourselves should define what kind of reaction it should be to that or other event; what feelings and thoughts should appear, what actions and results they should lead to, and eventually, what kind of outward manifestation of all this should be. In the ideal, I think, any event, no matter what this event is like, is always a new meeting with Divine, it must fill you with joy and readiness to comprehend something new in yourself and in the world, to acquire a new quality which you did not possess earlier, or transform some dark and negative in you into light and positive. But if to look at my own impartially, it turned out that my general reaction to almost everything that God offered me as those or other situations was fright.
In those years my only real dream connected with the world was (as, probably, in many others) love. Love always attracted me by such its aspects: it raises the level of positive emotions and fills with itself every second of life, which usually is mostly grey and dull with some semblance of a momentary sense, momentary emotions and actions which eventually has no more significance than those of the ant or of some automaton endowed with life. The majority of us thinks that love to his second half will change life, that it will add immeasurable joy to it, will give much more strength for achieving our goals, will enrich our existence by much deeper sense, and that is why we always long for it. But on beginning to watch over myself I discovered that except for more or less momentary splashes of emotions, which all the same cease, this feeling cardinally changes nothing. My shortcomings and flaws, all that I would like to improve or change in myself, what I would like to get rid of – all this stays as it was: as dark and sinister sea of subconsciousness under the superficial and transient waves of feelings and thoughts; it is immutable and unresponsive to my weak efforts to change something in it.
Nearly the same situation was with the development of mental abilities and will. I was always unsatisfied with the intensity, speed, breadth and depth of penetrating into the essence, the strength of concentration of my mind, and I never had the energy, strength, motive and aspiration to change this, no matter how much I endeavoured. I always envied people who could penetrate into the heart of any question, to quickly solve the problems, to create, to design and to have the inexhaustible source of inspiration. And what just to say about the capabilities of realized yogis - to embrace by the thought in all breadth and completeness of the tiniest details the movements, forces and processes of the Worlds and Universes; to change and direct them according their will which is single with God’s will; to change to better the destinies of certain persons, of the whole peoples and the worlds – it always was and is the Divine dream - unattainable, beautiful and distant, but so fascinating and attracting!
So, with years passing I have got the impression that the dream of Divine life instead of coming nearer is going far away. I lacked my own strength to change radically something in myself – even the slightest tendency of changing this situation did not appear. The epithet “blind alley” as the characteristics of my life, did for it more and more. And that was the sign that I got mature for meeting with the Teacher! When I relied on myself, I was not ready to give myself off into tender and infinitely powerful hands of the Teacher. Whatever I said about dedication to the Divine – the “ego” is ready to hide under any words and actions in order to preserve its existence, it is extremely cunning and intrusive; it is ready to play any role with the ingenuity stored by him in the course of thousands and thousands years.
If to cast glance back to my life, it will become clear that all the events so or other led by twisting ways though, but unavoidably to this main meeting of my life. Sincere search always brings the result; it does not matter whether it occurs on karma law or by Divine mercy – the result always surpasses all expectations, as if the fairy tales begin coming true: the tales you loved so much in your remote childhood and which you forgot when became adult and “serious.”
Changes to better occurred gradually and unhurriedly, as soon as I was ready to them. And it was not important at this what I thought of it and whether I wanted or not – the Divine Master took the raw and nontreated material of my being and began gradually cleanse and transform it. First this process took place in inaccessible for my routine consciousness depths of my being. It influenced my daily life not much; only within several months I suddenly discovered that one or other my habitual response to something with which I struggled for many years, now lost its power and is easy to control; that some definite things in my life, which I made myself do and which brought nothing but discomfort, suddenly gain the sense for my own development and victory, a little though, but no less joyful and significant – in any activity there appears inspiration and boldness, of which I could only dream earlier. People around you look different There, where you saw diversified and little connected set of your impressions instead of the complete picture of a man, suddenly the depth and volume of a personality reveal themselves: everything is connected into a single picture; the things you did not like in him earlier acquire their positive sense.
The main is that you begin to understand the difference: what it was before when you tried to do something by your own, and what the result is now, when immeasurably more powerful and wise strength entered your life. It looks like you are reading a book and admire its hero, his deeds; but you understand at this that you yourself do not possess the same boldness, strength, courage and wisdom. But the true Teacher makes the fairy tale for you come true (it depends on your readiness), you even cease being a victim of your own nature; in case of your sincere and unconditional consent his strength begins to defeat those demons and dragons which are dwelling inside us. The real progress begins being perceivable; you understand for sure that your new birth given by the Teacher while initiating you is by no means a metaphor, but a spiritual reality, maybe even more material than our physical world.
At the same time the sublime, enormous in its strength, multifaceted in its qualities the figure of the Teacher emerges in your consciousness still more and more. He is wise and kind father for some of us; kind and strict Teacher for others, reliable friend and advisor for the third; he may be even the beloved son for some, but above all this he is the representative of the Divine in our life: he will come to help us always and at any conditions, no matter whether we know of it or not, visibly or invisibly. No other will be able to pull us out of bog, of depression and bad life circumstances. No one else will love us irrespective of whether we give him our love in response or not. No one else will support and encourage us always whenever we need this encouraging. No one else will invisibly lead us to our good regardless of our whims and negative sanskaras which we inherited from our past lives and which are hidden behind the veil of our ignorance now. No one else will pull us from hell, if we due to our ignorance, blindness and weakness fall into it.
Everything I dreamt of starts coming true; the things I wanted to get rid of, which tormented, caused depression and desperation leave or get transformed. Family relations are being harmonized; the diseases which tortured or were simply neglected are going away; the harmony is coming in any relations with any people, light and joy begin to fill life, the dullness of daily life is retreating. The ideal appears in life, the visual embodiment of the traits which I would like to acquire – and it is just he, who is leading us on the way of gaining these qualities as well as those which we could not even suspect that they are dwelling inside us. Everything is only setting in and no matter how much of this way we overcame, the horizons opening in future are catching breath and we are only to give our consent to our Guide to lead us, and then our future will exceed all our most courageous dreams and expectations.
Oleg Nikolayev, Saratov, 2009